Only thing I’m missing for the moment: friends. Well on Tuesday I’ll see the ladies, and in the end of the month I’m going to Tallinn with another friend. Yeh!

1914 Santa Claus in japan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Christmas time is coming closer each day, and usually people start to think about gratitude. We are creating our Attitude of Gratitude. This topic is closely connected with our identity. We start asking ourselves; who am I? Or even better; who do I want to be? I´m always the result of my history – nothing to do about that. But I can always chose to be whoever I want to be right now. Situations, people and places can always affect me in one direction or another – if I let them. Otherwise I can chose love.

Next time I´ll write I´ll give you a piece of my own “Story of Creation” where my character is asking God this specific question; “Who am I?” Now I´m asking you; Who do you want to be?

English: A Swedish box of chocolates called “Aladdin” (top layer, identical to the bottom layer). Svenska: Den svenska chokladasken “Aladdin” (övre lagret, identiskt med undre lagret). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The winter hit us with surprise, as always. I am enjoying it. We have a lot of snow, it is about – 10 degrees and I am spending my time in silence and with love towards myself and my surroundings. Every morning I wake up at 9:00 am. Then I get my caffelatte and a box of chocolates. I spend an hour in bed, listening to the children´s Advent Calendar on the radio and maybe The Theological Room, before I leave bed to do my morning meditation. I have become so aware of the love and compassion that is surrounding me. There is a Higher Power taking care of things; life, my friends and enemies, my days and nights – and me.

Today I´ll work some at my physics, I´ll take a walk and maybe I´ll even put together my ginger bread house, so that I can spend some time with it in front of a great film tonight.

English: Do not edit. Combination and recoloration of two public domain images. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been sucking on that piece of candy for such a long time now – my story. Writing, editing, re-writing and re-editing again. I have let other people read it, I have listened to their feedback. Now I´m done with t all, but still I feel as is I have to read it all once again, so I don´t miss the last corrections I might have to do.

My story is my child. It was born immature, unable to do anything about itself. I have taken care of it, nurturing it, helping it on its way for such a long time. And now when it seems to be fulfilled it´s time to let it go. It´s a process of grief and trust that I will have to go through. How hard!

A gold-standard 1928 one-dollar bill. It is identified as a “United States Note” rather than a Federal Reserve note and by the words “Will Pay to the Bearer on Demand,” which do not appear on today’s currency. This clause became obsolete in 1933 but remained on new notes for 30 years thereafter. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just found a competition for writers. The price; 10 000 SEK (about 1 200 USD). It´s an invitation for me, clearly. I know I´m a great writer, I know I will win if I join. The problem is – I have written a story at about 60 000 words, and the competition is for short stories, about 15 000 words. I can shorten my story, no problem. But If I do that, I will get published in a short version – who will publish my long version story then?

The temptations are many, and I have to fight them all! I´m fighting them! Anyway… what´s a prom at the castle worth? Who wants 1 200 USD?

Mari Jungstedt at Gothenburg Book Fair 2007, Mari Jungstedt på Bok- och biblioteksmässan 2007 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For the moment I´m a grass widow. While my husband spends time with friends, I am spending my time writing, blogging and watching TV. Writing different things improves me as a writer, just as reading does. For the moment I´m dipping my nose in a book named “In this silent night” written by the Swedish author Mari Jungstedt. A great story, but I think her writing could have been better!  But the story is that good that I will give her another chance, reading another of her stories when I have finished this one. And oh yes, I have something big going on when it comes to my writing, but sorry; I can´t tell you anything about it. Yet.

Later on tonight I wanted to watch the stars. Countless of them will fall from the sky, as earth passes by through a tale of millions of meteoroids. But it seems to be too cloudy to see any of them. I´ll look up in the ceiling, watching my childhood´s stars burn. My fantasies are still very much alive, and I´m doing what I can to feed them.

The rest of the week includes a lot of action! Coffee or lunch with one friend, a visit at another friends place far away, and two other visits close to where I live. At least, that´s the plan. The 20th of August I´m back to school, and normal life again. To be honest, I am a bit bored.

I did some voluntary work at a  botanical garden during the summer, but when my stomach got upset I had to leave. Staying at home with only my husband I had a great childish time; eating ice cream whenever I wanted (four in one day), watching TV for a whole day, not leaving might night robe. Love and compassion where having a party! But after three weeks of isolation I feel behind all kind of social life and activities, so I really need to get back out there in the next week!

I´ll do some painting at my didgeridoo, I´ll plant my orange trees and capsicums, and I´ll probably also do some editing. My story has to be finished and done the 19th of August, because after that I´m back to school for some heave studies! Rest, rest, rest!

Magnum (ice cream) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To get sick can be a blessing and a curse. There is pain, discomfort, tiredness, grumpiness… but also the fact that I can eat whatever I want to eat, and spend the whole day in front of the TV. It´s amazing to see how the attitude suddenly changes; the most simple program is suddenly fun!

I have eaten 4 ice creams so far, having a couple of more to go. I don´t know how many films, TV-shows and serials I have been watching, but it is a lot. The mystique serial Dallas with J.R, Bobby Ewing and Sue Ellen is still fun to watch. Some things never change! Then we (me and my husband) watched “A Thousand Words” with Eddie Murphy. It´s a comedy, and I usually don´t like comedies. But as I wrote, being sick can be a real blessing. I also loved the depth of the film; it has a point. Eddie plays a character who lies a lot. Making a promise to a guru he is blessed (or cursed) with a magic tree in his garden. For every word Eddie speaks, one leaf drops. And what happens when a tree´s all leafs has dropped? It dies! And so will Eddie. Obviously something has to change… The most important message from the film was; I forgive you.

Being sick I really have the time to think of forgiveness, but also about the gifts I have in my life. Some things are easily seen as a curse, but it might end up being the biggest blessing I ever got! So, it´s time to refresh and change my point of view; maybe the curses are nothing but ghosts in our lives? Maybe everything that happens – no matter how painful it might be – is a blessing?

English: Cover of the Story of Babar published 1931 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being in the last stages of the editing, it feels as if I am loosing it all! The story is written, there are some issues I need to fix but without any bigger problems. The main “problem” is to put the paragraphing on the right places. But it truly feels as if I would be falling, from the deepest skies to the lowest hell!

Is it really a good story? I am so tired of it. Are the characters trustworthy? They seem so plain and shallow. Am I writing too much from one point of view? They all seem to say and think the same. Is my language alright? I´m really good on all those academic words. All this makes me shiver, I feel confused, happy, scared and seduced – all at once. What if I get refused? What if this is good enough, good enough for who? What if my computer crashes before I have it all in my hand? What if I get famous?

What if?